I’m going to be honest here…
I kinda bullshitted on this painting. I didn’t even do a process video for this one. When I began this piece, I first was messing around with materials and paper just creating scribbles, doodles, and anything. That’s when I heard that voice in my head again tell me “I want to paint”. Ah, finally my inner spirit seemed to have waken up from her notorious slumber. I grabbed my canvas and with no idea of what she was about to create, I began painting. I followed the same concept as last time with “Key to Happiness” where I just started off of one color and just go from there. Halfway through though I suddenly felt a drop in motivation…I began to question myself…everything about myself. I had a solid teal canvas and stared at it for almost 30 minutes to an hour wondering “okay what’s next”
I began to think about my dreams a lot. See, I’m always dreaming of portals and entering into different realms, time periods, and looping through dimensions as if I’m so kind of time traveler. I even remember the places I’ve been and the years. Like I’m always on some kind of escape route to anywhere but here. Still looking at the canvas I was starting to get frustrated. I began to think about my living situation. It’s like I rarely get any peace here and it affects my creativity. It put my creative inner spirit in a slumber and it’s hard to get her out of it. But, I was trying, I was really trying.
Still more time goes by and I’m looking at the canvas, feeling discouraged, feeling empty, and I began to even question “Am I really an artist?” it was then I pretty much was like fuck it and did whatever and was pretty bullshitting. It started with clouds and the golden door, which actually was meant to be a building but when I painted it I was like “eh, it’s a door now” then the two realms. One place cold and frozen. I hate the cold by the way, I’m not a winter person at all. This place has the door, a locked door, the golden door to better circumstances than where it is now. The other realm blossoming with new life, with an open portal. Like I said before in my dreams I’m always transporting through different realms. I suppose deep down in my subconscious mind all I really want to do is…
Get away…
Yet, I feel like I can’t. I feel like I’m trapped. No matter how many times I dream of these forever getaway places I’m trapped…and all I want is be free.
So…what’s the point anyways?…
"Locked Door’" August 21, 2019. All artwork and images are copyrighted. All rights reserved