Today is December 14, 2016 currently typing this at 5:56pm to express my thoughts and feelings more thoroughly after this past week and "wow!" is all I can really say.
I really don't know what it is that is prompting me to record my experience LIVE in front of everyone but I am enjoying it. I always, ALWAYS get sooooo nervous because I'm about to let everyone see me in raw form when it comes to my passion. It started off as a simple speed painting I did live, which I called Tiki Taka, and now it has become something much more deeper than just speed painting. After creating Tiki Taka, I felt a euphoria I never felt before and it made me want to do it again, and again, and again, and I want to keep on doing it again and again. What really is the shocker to me is that I'm allowing hundreds of people to watch this experience LIVE...not from an edited clip. I am a very camera shy person and don't like being recorded (unless I'm taking my pic or recording myself) because truth be told I am very self-conscious and truth be told I sometimes have a hard time loving even myself. I would put myself in relationships with people who constantly disrespected me, constantly told me I was nothing, constantly would verbally abuse me...and I would believe them. After all, I spent most time in a couple serious relationships and never spent time alone discovering myself...or spent time with myself at all.
After feeling the euphoria after creating Tiki Taka I thought to myself "Do that again!" because it felt THAT damn good! I decided to record myself live and then review the videos after they were done so essentially everyone else see's me being raw and alive before I do. Every time I look over the clip and see myself, I am in shock! It's the only time I have complete mental freedom when I let my spirit do what it wants to do, which is create, and to see myself in this way is making me fall more and more in love with my spirit every single day. Each day I'm becoming more in tune with her and I'm determined to know her even more. Seeing my spirit take over my body when I paint these abstract pieces is so beautiful to me regardless of however the painting comes out. The process is just so crazy to me! She can go from hyper and energetic to a hypnotic trance. I LOVE the outcome of some of these pieces and others not so much. But, one thing I noticed about the pieces I don't usually like, which come out like a big solid color blob, is that when watching the process it's almost like the painting is telling a story from start to end and then becomes nothing. Even though it ends up looking like nothing it's all so beautiful to me and I can't believe I allowed people in my life that only wanted to try and break my spirit now that I'm allowing her to thrive and do what she loves.
What started put as a simple abstract speeding video has turned into an very profound level of my spiritual journey. Last year I wrote a new poem everyday for 125 days and I thought it ended there. WHAT!? Was I wrong! because now my spirit has literally come out to play and put on a performance LIVE for hundreds of viewers. I've become much happier in the past week and I even feel lighter on my feet. Almost an airy feeling. I also feel very warm all over on the inside like fire. The reward is the best part after each painting. Once I'm done letting my spirit have her field day I am left with an overwhelming feeling of soothing goodness that come only come from within yourself. It's truly powerful. I've also noticed that I have become more vocal and speak up for myself more. She is becoming very strong.
This spiritual journey that I am embarking on has already taught me quite a few things that can be applied to everyday life as well as helping me discover myself and my insecurities. The main thing I learned from this experience is to not expect anything! but rather more enjoy the present moment and love the process regardless of the outcome. You shouldn't expect anything.
It's only been one week. This is only the beginning...