"Lovebug" created January 11, 2018 | This piece is in dedication to Lovebug.
Dear Lovebug,
How are you? I know you may not read this, probably never will, and that's perfectly okay. This open letter will allow me to get my feelings out...I NEED to get theses feelings out. I don't care what anyone thinks, what anyone else has to say. I absolutely don't care. You've blocked me everywhere but I don't care, I will get my feelings out and have my voice heard even if that means it has to go through the whole world and internet...
I'm sitting here crying as I type this...I've been crying the last couple of days. That can only mean one thing. You had a huge impact on my life and for that I am forever grateful. The laughs, your cute bubbly personality, your sassiness, the way you dance with those ballerina toes, your cute little height. Everything about you is adorable, you have a charm about you that excites people. You're affectionate...which is why I gave you the nickname "Lovebug". It wasn't just a nickname...it was MY nickname to you and just like you carry these amazing qualities about you, Lovebug, you also carry a deadly weapon with you.
I know you felt like I was neglecting you. You were there for me in my darkest hours. A time where I was at my absolute lowest. A time where my depression was spiraling out of control, a time where I was having suicidal thoughts. I never told you about those things directly and you did your best to keep me occupied. For that I am always and forever grateful. Soon after that time, I started to become more focused on my art, my passion, my dreams, I became more focused with other things and I wasn't texting you as much or calling you. You would tell me all the time and I always did my best to try and get you to understand.
Lovebug, I'm don't really know how to express my feelings verbally as well as you probably do. I'm better at writing them down, which is why I'm here at the laptop typing my heart away. I understood the feelings you were having and I would take responsibility and try to put in more effort. You would start to make me feel bad with your remarks. I know it wasn't you intentions but that's what happened. Whenever I would hit you up it would go from "Hey Honeybee!" to "Oh I thought something was wrong, you never call me" You would constantly make it clear of my faults and what I wasn't doing and all it did was make me more hesitant to call because no matter what I did with my efforts...it wasn't good enough. When I would tell you "I'm have so much on my mind right now" I was only trying to get you to understand that you didn't need to be upset. I was never going to leave you...and I feel like that's what you were afraid was happening.
Your tone with me changed. I could feel it, Lovebug, whenever I tried to share something with you it was almost as if you were disinterested. Just like you felt like you were loosing me, I felt like I was loosing you. I understand I could of did better on my part with reaching out to you, I was just extremely focused. I tried over and over again to get you to understand me. Get you to understand sometimes I get the way I do, I get distant, and get in my own world and bubble. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I wouldn't tell you directly, I would just tell you "I have a lot on my mind"
When my nephew died...I was completely lost again. He passed away the same day my Dad was discharged from the hospital. I spent a week at the hospital with my Dad and my nephew. That was the last week I got with my nephew. We still weren't talking as much...so I became distant...very distant. I wasn't my intentions, I was consumed with overwhelming grief at the same time trying to prepare for an upcoming art show. Then a week later you lost your grandmother. It was a rough time for both of us. A very rough time. I wish things could have been different. I know she meant a lot to you. I wish I was there more, it was hard for me, I was completely drained. I would check up on you, you checked up on me but the conversation didn't feel the same and I know you know this too. Few weeks later, you hit me up one day asked me "why I never call you?" and I ignored you. I ignored you because I knew I was grieving and didn't want to lash out at the one person I love. After always hearing you get on me about not calling you enough, having the same conversation over and over, you texting me that after what just happened was at the wrong time. So instead of replying, I chose to ignore you.
About a week later you texted me again and said "Kelly you've been acting real distant lately and I'm sick of it. So until you can be there like a friend should be, consider us chilled...." And it hurt me. I didn't say anything back, I didn't know what to say back. I was grieving so bad I felt dead inside. You chose to walk away from me and our friendship. I didn't want to chase you because if you weren't happy with our relationship why try and keep you. It hurt me. But then, you invited me to your birthday brunch and I was more than excited to come, didn't even hesitate. I took at as by gones be by gones and we could start over. You still wanted to work on this friendship. And we had a great time and we could go back...or so we thought...
Fast forward, you asked me to go out to eat and you wanted to talk, didn't hesitate. I thought it would be a chance for us to talk about EVERYTHING and our feelings. You brought to me a business proposition and again you brought up how you were there for me and I've been distant. You said you felt like I didn't have time for you now that I'm doing my art and everything else. I understood, I could empathize with you, I never disregarded how you felt and instead I would tell you there was no need to worry and I would keep trying. I didn't get a chance to express myself like how I really wanted to. My anxiety took over and had an attack on my drive home and I never told you.
And then...a couple days ago...was the actual end and death of our friendship. We had an explosive argument over the business proposition. I won't get into too much details about it, I'm only going to focus on the main things. To be honest, Lovebug, I feel like you took things too personal but I can understand why and I'm not mad. It was a build up of a lot of emotions and everything you've been feeling. When I tried to finally express myself to you and my feelings. I was on the verge on having another anxiety attack and I was trying to talk to you. I kept telling you to calm down and be get on my tone level. You kept screaming. You were talking so much and so fast. You let your anger take over and your tongue was working faster than your brain. I couldn't even get my point across you were yelling over me. Then all of sudden you said:
"FUCK YOU KELLY!"
and hung up one me....I was extremely angry, at first. I called you back over and over but you blocked me. I was so angry that after all these time of me listening to you vent and tell me your feelings that you completely shut mine down. You didn't give me a fair chance. It reminded me of what everyone in my life that was abusive to me would do. Turn the situation back on them and it was fuck my feelings. Since you blocked me I emailed you, trying to be as respectful as I could be even though I was extremely angry but still hoping you would at least give a chance and read the email. You replied:
"I dnt give a fuck how you feel. I dont care what you think or what you tried to say. You are dead to me Kelly....we are not friends"
I didn't care about anything else you said...Just the beginning part. You were my best friend and now I was nothing...complete nothing to you. Dead to you. DEAD...I don't know why that word and you telling me "Fuck you Kelly" and "we are not friends" pierced my heart the way it did but it did. Maybe it's because it took me back to a place I worked so hard to get out of. Maybe it's because after years and years of being verbally and emotionally abused, words have a different effect on me now. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I never thought you would think of me as someone who is dead to you when we would have so much fun together. It hurt me deeply. Maybe it's because I officially lost you. And I started crying, and been crying. When you said "Fuck you Kelly" that wasn't a normal "Fuck you"...I heard it. The choked up tears behind your voice, the way you said it with such hate and anger as it literally pierced through me like shards of glass to the heart. Your scorpion stinger. You were HURT. When you hurt, I hurt and the first thing I want to do when your hurt or crying is drive to your apartment and see you. Whenever you called me crying I would say "I'm on my way" when you hung up I was tempted to drive to you because deep down I knew you were hurt and angry, but I told myself no. The Lovebug and Honeybee saga had just died and I've been mourning it the past two days You walked out of my life again...
I would always say to you "Be careful of what you say", "Don't put that out there into the universe" and that, Lovebug, is your deadly weapon. To me, I shall say. Since I am dead to you then I will be dead, figuratively speaking. You've blocked me everywhere but you can't block me here. And maybe one day you will find yourself reading this. After all, this is an open letter for the world to see. For the record, I NEVER TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT! don't say that. However, you can say I didn't treat you as you had wished...but it doesn't mean that I didn't love you with all my heart.
This vision came to my head after our final fallout. It was the first time I saw something I wanted to paint and executed it EXACTLY how I wanted it. Usually I have an idea of what to paint but as I paint it changes. Not this one. I knew what I wanted to paint and I painted frantically as I cried getting this out. The beautiful colors of a friendship and the love we had. Even though I may not of had much to offer you, I had my heart and your words pierced me. The scorpio you are, you can be lethal. Most people when they think of scorpions, they think of black ones. Not you, you're vibrant, bright, and beautiful. You weren't happy with our friendship so you are free to go into finding the bliss you been looking for. I am letting you go. Honeybee and Lovebug and parting ways with flowers of peace all around. It would be a lie if I said I wasn't devastated because this painting clearly shows I am. You are carried into my art, which will last much longer than I ever will. Beautiful art you have inspired. I created this out of pure pain and pure love.
I couldn't get you to understand me, and I couldn't be there how you wanted me to. But, I hope looking at this painting, It becomes a little more clearer to you of how much
"I Love You..."
I'm not begging for our friendship back because I see that certain things can't allow us to be friends. Maybe not now...or ever...who knows. You walked out of my life twice. I can't take you walking out of my life a third time. This isn't a "Fuck You Lovebug" letter...this is a "I love you letter", this is a "Continue to be vibrant and free" letter, this is a "May you find your bliss" letter, this is a "You will forever live on" letter, this is my...open letter.
Again. I love you. Always & Forever
-Honeybee