Think about that quote for a minute and really take it in. A lot of times we block our own happiness by harboring a lot of things that we should of let go a long time ago, including myself.
My own struggle with finding my happiness is still an everyday battle. A lot of days I cry and other days I’m all smiles and laughter, but everyday, my mind is a non stop locomotive train on an infinite track going hundreds of miles per hour. Thoughts after thoughts going deeper and deeper into a dark abyss. When I tell you I’m an over thinker, I AM. My mind has caused me to have anxiety attacks or develop habits such as pacing a room back and forth when the thought train won’t stop and I find myself in the darkest parts of my mind where I suddenly feel…A L O N E and S A D.
When I first started this piece, I had no idea what it would turn out to be or where it would be heading. All I knew was I wanted to start with one color, orange, it’s my favorite color. From there, I did whatever came to my mind and rolled with it. I say all the time my paintings are access to my subconscious mind and a way for me to relieve pain. Even though I technically don’t FEEL any pain, I know it’s there. I’ve officially reached the point of numbness and to be honest, call me crazy, it kind of makes me sad…being numb. I’m hurting so badly that I’m numb. It’s like, my body and mind can’t comprehend that even more emotional pain is possible, because I’ve exceeded it so instead, I’ve gone numb. Crazy right? And this painting, this painting my mind (well subconscious mind) has conjured up reveals secrets to me and helping me understand my emotional state at this moment.
The sadness in the face, full of blue and disoriented. Thoughts manifesting themselves into whirlpools of tears that almost drown the figure crying in agony. Of course, there goes that infamous track of the crazy locomotive that goes on to infinity. Through the hazy clouds and through the field of poison where the mushrooms are bound. You don’t know where it’s coming from or where it’s going to. Did it already pass? Is it in the abyss? You’ll never know. And there it is, the key, the key to happiness. So big, so close and yet so far. Standing tall like the ultimate trophy prize, the key. Get it and unlock the happiness that will make the violent whirlpools calm like a still lake. The key that will make the infinity train stop its violent course. But, how do you get it? Stuck on a infinite locomotive track that travels through clouds and fields of poison going hundreds of miles per hour…how do you get the key? What would YOU do to get the key? What would you risk?
Sometimes it feels like it’s almost impossible, but even then, that word itself says “I’m possible”.
PROCESS VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4yeeUkRbHE